Thursday Thoughts

Steven Hawking

  • Does anyone else secretly hope that Hawking is a fraud?  Like, he’s not all that smart and he doesn’t need to be in the wheel chair …
  • And eventually he’ll be delivering pizza’s when Matt Dillon finds out and tells him to come clean or he’ll kick his ass.  Hawking then professes, ‘he loves her man!”
  • And it was all an elaborate plan to get with Cameron Diaz.

Dogs vs. Humans

  • Do you think dogs wonder how unintelligent humans are?  I mean, they learn what “sit”, “shake a paw” and “down” means but we never understand the difference between ‘bark’, ‘woof’ or ‘ruff’.

Peanuts Movie

  • I wanted to take kid to the Charlie Brown movie this weekend but I couldn’t because he’s allergic to Peanuts.

Bulk Barn

  • I love that Bulk Barn put Health food beside Nut.




  • I hate #FML.
  • I hate when people post #FML on social media sites over reasons that don’t f’n matter.
  • The people that post #FML are doing it over stupid shit.
  • It’s never the people that have a reason to say #FML.  People that are incredibly sick (not just a cold), are on deaths bed or lost love ones.
  • No, people use #FML because the barista Starbucks got your double crapa llamma americana coffee order wrong.
  • The other day I had to drink instant coffee, because I was all out of normal coffee.
  • Instant coffee is shit, but I didn’t start running to the computer to update the world about my horrible life.
  • The He/She that posts these type of status updates has no idea what an actual #FML moment is.
  • I think if he/she gets a VD from a He-She then that, warrants a #FML Facebook/Twitter status update.
  • Not a wrong coffee order.  The fact that you can pay $5 for a shitty coffee, when a lot of people in the world don’t have clean water, does not mean that you have an #FML moment.
  • Then after you are done ordering your $5 coffee you have to put the cream and sugar in yourself.
  • If I’m paying $5 for a coffee, give me some entertainment, I want a monkey on a unicycle wearing a fedora putting the cream in my coffee.
  • Also, I don’t order a coffee from a profession (barrista) that I didn’t even know existed until two years ago.
  • While I’m on a Coffee rant
  • One thing that always drives me crazy was doing the coffee orders at work.
  • I won’t even go to Starbucks. That would drive me crazy I can’t pronounce most of the drinks.
  • But even going to Tim Horton’s it becomes a pain in the ass.  Because there’s always that one person.
  • That one person that orders something crazy.
  • I’ll have a large coffee, with one sugar, one sweetener and a nectar of honey from the queen bees nipple also one cream and a shot of milk from a mountain goat from Nepal.
  • Oh … Fuck My Life!

Click to Enlarge

  • Most websites have a “Click to Enlarge” option.  You can enlarge images or the font.
  • It would be cool if you could do that in real life.  Click to enlarge penis, not me just a guy I know, or boobs.
  • I think that it would be also better if we had the option to shrink things in real life like your ass or your stomach.

The Lineup

  • The Walmart in my area has one of those 1 – 12 item lines with 6 cash registers.
  • You wait in line until it’s your turn and then you go to the open cash register.
  • Everytime I get to the front of the line, I feel like the start of a race.
  • Hoping I don’t do a false start and go to the wrong register.

Wording Is Important

  • If I add another ‘p’ to hoping it becomes hopping I don’t do a false start.  I’m not jumping around not doing a false start.
  • It’s like this week.  We were thinking about getting a high school student to take care of our two boys after school because it is less expensive than after school daycare.
  • So we live in a neighbourhood that has a community mailbox, where people will post adds like, ‘piano lessons’ or whatever.  You know what I’m talking about I don’t need to elaborate.
  • But … just so you know it’s not a good idea to post a community add with the following verbiage, “Looking for a cheap high school student to take care of my two boys after school.”

Just Laugh

  • Parenting Tip; Every once in awhile when my kids are acting crazy.  I will just make a cheeky joke and then laugh.
  • Laugh for like 5 minutes straight a mixture of haha’s, hoho’s, hehe’s.
  • Until the kids can no longer take it and start laughing too.
  • Then everyone’s in a happy mood.
  • Relationship Tip; Do not try this with your significant other.
  • If you leave the toilet seat up and then tell her to cheeky joke like, “I thought your ass needed a wash!”
  • Laughing for 5 minutes straight will not make her laugh.

Other People’s Thoughts

  • Mitch Hedberg – , “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool Opotasmus?”
  • Jim Gaffigan – You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, “Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.”
  • Zac Galifianakis – At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

How Much

  • The wife and I were sitting at the dinner table discussing money.
  • When my 4-year-old turns to me and says, “How much money did you have to pay for Mommy?”
  • I had to ask him to repeat himself and he replies again, “How much money did you have to pay for mommy?”
  • After I stop laughing I said, “Son, I’m still making payments!”
  • Then I explained that people don’t “buy” women.  (It’s kinda a grey area but I didn’t want to get into that discussion)
  • But then I was like, “Why wouldn’t mommy have to pay for me?”
  • My wife answers, “I would have returned him by now!”

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