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Monthly Archives: September 2014

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Literally

  • I hate when people use the word literally incorrectly.  And it’s not just teenage girls that do it anymore.  Grown men are saying all the time, I literally almost died!  It’s a good thing there was an imaginary doctor that had to give me 25CC’s of reality.
  • No idiot you meant figuratively you almost died.
  • People that almost die never use the word literally.  You never hear a story on the radio where people saw a shining light and then say, ‘I literally almost died.”   No, they say they almost fucking died.  It was scary shit.
  • When I am around people that use the word literally incorrectly I will say it actually happened to me.
  • For example; “If someone says, I saw Sidney Crosby and I literally shit my pants!”  I will be like, “I saw Sidney Crosby too and I actually shit my pants.  It was an awkward elevator ride … I did not get an autograph.”

 

In Other News

Dumb ASS: Story of Two Woman, A Cigarette & A Spatula

  • According to the story; “An Easthampton woman was charged with assault and battery Tuesday for allegedly burning a Westfield woman’s right buttock with a lit cigarette and striking her left buttock with a spatula.”
  • I honestly don’t know where to go from here, I just hope that the altercation started with the woman saying, “What’s cooking?” Then she lit her ass on fire, hit her with the spatula and said, “Your FINE ASS!”
  • I learned that despite the fact people will pay good money to have a lady put out a cigarette butt in there eh butt and then be hit by a spatula that it is actually a crime …

Naked ASS: Hawaiian Pizza With Extra Scrotum

  • A client ordered a pizza right before closing time, and this pizza employee had the balls to do something about it!
  • When the client came in to pickup his pizza the employee was “rubbing his testicles on the pizza he had ordered,”
  • According to the report, “When confronted by the customer–who was there to pick up a large stuffed pie with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese–the 18-year-old Symonds immediately apologized. “Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid,” Symonds said, according to the complaint.”
  • A couple of points to the above statement, I’m sure the pizza was stuffed (maybe just a little extra salty is all I’m saying) and I love the apology.  “Dude um, should I finish what I’m doing here or pull up my pants?  Oh forgot man, I am really sorry!”
  • How sorry was he?  Well, latter he admitted he would have “probably” given him his order had the patron not seen his scrotum on the pizza. “That’s the terrible part” Symonds told cops.  That’s the terrible part?  Oh, I think there are quite a few terrible parts to this story …
  • Bradley (customer) then asked Symonds how old he was. After the teenager answered that he was 18, Bradley said, “So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone’s pizza. “Yes,” said Symonds.
  • Wrong answer!  He should have played dumb, saying that he wasn’t very familar with Hawaiian pizza orders and didn’t get proper training.  He thought it was customary in Hawaii to finish of the order with a little short and curly action.
  • In the middle of the article they put the logo of the pizza chain – Murphy’s Pizza – which kinda looks like advertising.  Hmm, I’m hungry and I want pizza but it’s almost closing time …

 Smart ASS: NFL Star Leaves 20 Cent Tip

  • Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy took some heat from a local burger establishment for tipping just 20 cents on a $61.56 tab
  • The restaurant decides to post in on the Facebook page with a picture of the bill and say, “The twenty cent tip that the Eagles’ LeSean McCoy just left our server on his $60 check is going to come in really handy for that new official NFL McCoy jersey he had his heart set on. That is a .03% tip. New record!”
  • Damnit LeSean McCoy aren’t NFL running back’s in enough trouble hitting their wives and kids now this!
  • But wait, when questioned by Les Bowen of the Philadelphia Daily News, McCoy stated that there was poor service.
  • Which to me is understandable.  Why does a waiter that does a shitty job deserve a tip?  And why does the restaurant put this on their Facebook page.
  • I learned as summed up by McCoy’s teammate Evan Mathis who responded to the PYT Facebook post with this message, “So… Don’t sit in Rob’s (the PYT server) section?”

Dumb ASS: Jealous Husband Attacks

  • 20-year-old Michael A. Chaney, told officers he is homeless and had been living with Martin R. Miller, 30, and his wife, Daniela D. Miller, 24, at their Bay City residence for about a week.
  • “Martin became jealous after we had a threesome because Daniela started to distance herself from him,” Chaney said.
  • Wait a second, you invite a homeless man in your house have a threesome with the homeless man and your wife and then get jealous …
  • But Chaney being the standup guy he is starts cooking some hamburger, when Martin Miller threw the hamburg into the bath that his wife was in.
  • Maybe Chaney should have used Hamburger Helper to mend the relationship.
  • Martin Miller stated to police,  ‘he threw the hamburger in the tub as a joke and that Chaney was being an “(expletive)hole.”
  • You would think that after inviting a homeless person into your house to sleep with your wife, the least he could do is cook up steak or lobster.
  • It leaves us wondering, how a story involving the husband, wife, homeless man, threesome & raw hamburger could go so wrong.

Naked ASS: Oklahoma City Man Arrested for Washing Himself with Mayonnaise In Public Fountain

  • OKLAHOMA CITY – One man was arrested for using mayonnaise to wash himself in a public fountain.
  • Perez told the police he was taking a bath in the fountain and was washing his hair with mayonnaise.
  • Police, replied with, “Sir, we don’t take kindly to Mayonnaise Hair washing.  In Oklahoma City, we are a Head & Shoulders kinda place.”

Drunk ASS: German City To Provide Beer to Alcholics to Clean Up The Streets

  • Essen, a City in German, is offering a “Pick-Up” initiative.
  • Voluntary program targeted at alcholics that will receive beer in exchange for working three to six hours a day collecting litter off streets.
  • Essen believes if the promise of free beer motivates addicts to work, regain a daily routine and accept medical care, they said, it is worthwhile.
  • This seems simliar to every high school/college student.  “Will work for beer!”

Jack ASS: 3 Men Arrested in A Wedding Gone Wrong

  • Mark Williams, (the groom), was being “touchy feely” with a pregnant woman (not his newly married wife) at his wedding reception.
  • After the groom decides to poor alchol down the woman’s throat she decides to call her boyfriend.
  • Brian Taylor, 31, punched his hand through the front passenger window of a car nearby.  As he’s being taken away to jail he yells, “I’ve got HIV.”
  • The majestical wedding ends with two men covered in blood and jail time for the groom.

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