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In Other News

Nursing Mother Battles Airline Over Breat Pump

  • Breastfeeding mother had an issue after plugging in her breast pump while onboard a flight.
  • The mother was initially refused to use onboard outlets because it was “against airline policy.”  Star passengers are prohibited from using outlets for anything other than cellphones and tablet devices due to concerns of voltage.
  • The young mom wanted to breast feed for as it was a long flight and also possible  health implications,  she had mastitis in the past.   If you currently enjoy womens breasts and would like to continue to enjoy womens breasts please don’t view Google’s mastitis images.
  • After back and forth where she stated it was her “medical right” to pump the airline allowed her to a plug, ironically, intended for vacuum cleaners.
  • She was stressed, emotionally exhausted shaken.
  • The mother said she looked into use of a hand pump before taking the trip but decided it wasn’t for her and it shouldn’t be up to the airline to decide how she should extract milk.  “It’s a matter of choice.”  It’s an interesting choice of words, because didn’t she have a ‘choice’ of airlines?
  • The passengers are told to use a hand pump or battery-powered device while onboard.  This is a regulation that other airlines adhere to as well.  In fact the Airlines website states, please note that your medical equipment must be equipped with an independent power source (i.e., battery-powered) should you wish to use it during your flight.
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There was a story in the news this week about a baby in Mobile, Alabama was born without a nose.

From the CTV new article it stated;

“I pulled back and said, ‘Something’s wrong!,”‘ Brandi McGlathery told Al.com. “And the doctor said, ‘No, he’s perfectly fine.’ Then I shouted, ‘He doesn’t have a nose!”‘  

Eli Thompson began breathing through his mouth right away on March 4 at a Mobile, Alabama, hospital, McGlathery said.

Listen, I’m not doctor but perhaps he should have been able to figure out that a major part of the human anatomy was missing.  I dunno maybe you went to school for it maybe you should catch these types of things.  It’s just unfortunate that the kid was born to a mother named Brandi from Mobile, Alabama.

I almost envision this to be like a SNL skit …

Nurse:  Here’s your baby?  <as nurse hands the baby>

Brandi (mom):  Somethings missing.

Doctor:  What are you talking about it’s a perfectly fine baby?

Brandi:   I can’t seem to put my nose on it.

Doctor: Listen, the baby’s got 10 fingers and 10 toes and a penis.  That’s always good.

Brandi: Ah-ha!  He’s missing a nose!

Doctor:  I su-NOSE your right.  See what I did there I switched suppose with suNOSE.  It’s a play on words and relevant seeing your kid doesn’t have a nose.  Why are you crying?  That’s a pretty good joke.  Huh, a rare miss.  On the plus side he does have a penis!  That’s always good.  Wait, how is he breathing?

Nurse:  Through his mouth, doctor.  We have two ways to consume oxygen!

Doctor:  I may have been drunk or hungover on the day that they talked about noses in Mobile Community College for Doctors.

Brandi:  What are we going to do?

Doctor:  Well I guess I will have to add nose to the check list for future reference.  10 fingers, 10 toes, check for a penis does it have a nose? Kinda sounds like a doctor Seuss rhyme.

Nurse:  He’s beautiful.  Um, what are you going to name him?

Doctor:  I gotta name.  How about Vladimir Morton?  You know … so you can call him Vladi-Mort.  Cause he kinda looks like Voldemort the guy from the movie that doesn’t have a nose.  I mean you can call him Mort for short.  I like Mort there’s a place called Mort’s pub has great subs.

Nurse:  Doctor, stop you are upsetting the family.  So about the name?

Brandi:  We were thinking Michael.

Doctor:  Perfect, because you can make his middle name Jackson and it’s a great reference because you know his nose fell off at the end.  Great choice!  <Brandi Crying>  What too soon?  He’s been dead for over 5 years now get over it.

Brandi:  We will name him Eli.  Can you please leave now?

 

 

 

 

Must Read

Marie Claire

  • I’ve never, nor will I ever, read 50 shades.  But this person documents attempting 50 shades of grey sex in one weekend.
  • She details all of the sex with elegance such as The Ben Wa Experience
    • What you’re supposed to do: Bend over and grab your ankles, then have your man insert Ben Wa balls into your vagina. Walk around (or get water, like Anastasia did) with the balls inside of you. Then lie across his lap with your butt facing up. He should rub your butt, moving from your cheeks down to your clitoris. The balls inside you, along with his touch, will create an intense sensation.
    • What we do: Please just trust me when I give you this advice: Don’t try to stick them all in at once, and go slowly. Also, buy the smallest size and always have your insurance number ready. Not that I had to do that. But it was touch and go for a few minutes. It feels like you have tiny balls in your vagina, which you do, so you’re just doing one long kegel to keep them in there. If that sounds like a sexy thing to you, then get your ass some Ben Wa balls immediately.

Not Always Learning

  • Mother reacts to her daughter physically attacking a student.

Collective Evolution

  • This is a story about a Reddit poster that stated, ‘I wasn’t treating my husband properly’
  • The original Reddit post has been taken down.
  • Essentially it’s a story about a husband that buys the wrong hamburg, which creates a negative reaction from his wife.

Independent Ireland

  • Story of two Irish guys who walked into Super Bowl seats.
  • Paul McEvoy and Richard Whelan couldn’t afford tickets from touts around the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona so simply walked straight through the front door.

News:

Sore Ass:  Sex Toy Injuries Surged Since Release of 50 Shades of Grey

  • The London Fire Brigade (LFB) said today it was ‘concerned’ the film’s release could lead to a ‘spike’ in people being stuck or trapped in handcuffs or bindings.
  • Injuries relating to ‘massage devices and vibrators’ rocketed in 2012, when 2,500 people checked in at the ER.
  • Upworthy News Title:  What happens when sex toys go wrong?  A Trip to the Hospital and 50 Shades of Blush …

Drunks Ass:  Florida dumpster sleepers end up trapped in garbage truck

  • Donald Jordan, 37, and Lisa Sirbella, 49, got drunk at a casino, then yada yada passed out in dumpster and the next thing they know they are in a garbage truck sreaming for their lives.
  • I hope when the guy woke up he said, “I gotta bad feeling about this”.  I mean all they are missing is a giant Wookie & Lisa’s twin brother.

Old Ass: 100 Year old crocodile dies after overeating

  • A 100 Year-old croc dies from overeating and it’s not even Amurican
  • Visitors south-western Bangladesh town believed that feeding the crocodile would guarantee them good fortune.  Which lead the obese 100-year-old crocodile dying from overfeeding.
  • Visitors have been throwing chickens and even goats to the bloated ancient croc  In their effort for good luck it lead to the huge croc’s demise.  Either that or perhaps he died because he was over a 100 years old.

Naked ASS:  Kristie Sheldon

  • Sheldon gets the cougar of the week.
  • 52 year-old Kristie Sheldon from Montana while visiting her 29-year-old son in Minnesota decides to pickup a 22-year-old and have sex in a neighbours hot tub.
  • The neighbours proceed to calling the police and ending Sheldon’s night a little prematurely.
  • I can only imagine what the 29-year-old son says when the police escort his mother and her 22-year-old boy toy home;
    • ‘As long as you live under my roof.  You live by my rules.’ or ‘Mom, is this my new daddy?’

Dumb Ass:  Brian Williams

  • At a November 8, 2014 gala he stated; ‘Here’s a fact: 25 years ago tonight, Tom Brokaw and I were at the Berlin Wall.’
  • And by ‘fact’ he meant give or take a day or two.
  • Look Brian, we all lie.  I mean this past year I hit 10 home runs and was second on our softball team and by 10 homer’s I mean 2.  Make your lies a little less ridiculous
  • At a catholic college he shook the popes hand and was blessed by him.  Now no doubt he shook the Pope’s hand but it was likely more likely Jim Carey’s co-star in the hit comedy Once Bitten, Peggy Pope.
  •  Brian Williams, ‘Well me and this Navy Seal got our Bin Laden kill on!”  Um, that’s not true.   ‘No, but you know I had brisket with the pope!’  ‘Um, no you didn’t.’  ‘Well, I was the reason the Berlin Wall came down.’  That’s not true.  It kinda reminds me of the scene in Billy Madison.

Links:

BroMyGod – Random Facts

Radass – Brian Williams Misremembers

LOL Riot – Honest Company Slogans

Wild Ammo – 50 Strange Facts from 50 States

Panda Feed – 25 Photo’s from Walmart

Life Hack – 7 Signs You Are A Highly Sensitive Person

Oh Cosmo – Dumb Things In Women’s Magazines

Thought Catalog – People Describe the Sexiest Things They Accidentally Saw

Daily Mail – Dumb Trip Advisor Reviews

Slash Gear – $10,500 for a  Cat-6 cable, hmm sounds reasonable

IB Times – Viagra Ice Cream is a thing …

Vox – Details of a 1922 Times Article on Hitler

Joke of the Week

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

In Other News

Dumb ASS: Story of Two Woman, A Cigarette & A Spatula

  • According to the story; “An Easthampton woman was charged with assault and battery Tuesday for allegedly burning a Westfield woman’s right buttock with a lit cigarette and striking her left buttock with a spatula.”
  • I honestly don’t know where to go from here, I just hope that the altercation started with the woman saying, “What’s cooking?” Then she lit her ass on fire, hit her with the spatula and said, “Your FINE ASS!”
  • I learned that despite the fact people will pay good money to have a lady put out a cigarette butt in there eh butt and then be hit by a spatula that it is actually a crime …

Naked ASS: Hawaiian Pizza With Extra Scrotum

  • A client ordered a pizza right before closing time, and this pizza employee had the balls to do something about it!
  • When the client came in to pickup his pizza the employee was “rubbing his testicles on the pizza he had ordered,”
  • According to the report, “When confronted by the customer–who was there to pick up a large stuffed pie with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese–the 18-year-old Symonds immediately apologized. “Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid,” Symonds said, according to the complaint.”
  • A couple of points to the above statement, I’m sure the pizza was stuffed (maybe just a little extra salty is all I’m saying) and I love the apology.  “Dude um, should I finish what I’m doing here or pull up my pants?  Oh forgot man, I am really sorry!”
  • How sorry was he?  Well, latter he admitted he would have “probably” given him his order had the patron not seen his scrotum on the pizza. “That’s the terrible part” Symonds told cops.  That’s the terrible part?  Oh, I think there are quite a few terrible parts to this story …
  • Bradley (customer) then asked Symonds how old he was. After the teenager answered that he was 18, Bradley said, “So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone’s pizza. “Yes,” said Symonds.
  • Wrong answer!  He should have played dumb, saying that he wasn’t very familar with Hawaiian pizza orders and didn’t get proper training.  He thought it was customary in Hawaii to finish of the order with a little short and curly action.
  • In the middle of the article they put the logo of the pizza chain – Murphy’s Pizza – which kinda looks like advertising.  Hmm, I’m hungry and I want pizza but it’s almost closing time …

 Smart ASS: NFL Star Leaves 20 Cent Tip

  • Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy took some heat from a local burger establishment for tipping just 20 cents on a $61.56 tab
  • The restaurant decides to post in on the Facebook page with a picture of the bill and say, “The twenty cent tip that the Eagles’ LeSean McCoy just left our server on his $60 check is going to come in really handy for that new official NFL McCoy jersey he had his heart set on. That is a .03% tip. New record!”
  • Damnit LeSean McCoy aren’t NFL running back’s in enough trouble hitting their wives and kids now this!
  • But wait, when questioned by Les Bowen of the Philadelphia Daily News, McCoy stated that there was poor service.
  • Which to me is understandable.  Why does a waiter that does a shitty job deserve a tip?  And why does the restaurant put this on their Facebook page.
  • I learned as summed up by McCoy’s teammate Evan Mathis who responded to the PYT Facebook post with this message, “So… Don’t sit in Rob’s (the PYT server) section?”

Dumb ASS: Jealous Husband Attacks

  • 20-year-old Michael A. Chaney, told officers he is homeless and had been living with Martin R. Miller, 30, and his wife, Daniela D. Miller, 24, at their Bay City residence for about a week.
  • “Martin became jealous after we had a threesome because Daniela started to distance herself from him,” Chaney said.
  • Wait a second, you invite a homeless man in your house have a threesome with the homeless man and your wife and then get jealous …
  • But Chaney being the standup guy he is starts cooking some hamburger, when Martin Miller threw the hamburg into the bath that his wife was in.
  • Maybe Chaney should have used Hamburger Helper to mend the relationship.
  • Martin Miller stated to police,  ‘he threw the hamburger in the tub as a joke and that Chaney was being an “(expletive)hole.”
  • You would think that after inviting a homeless person into your house to sleep with your wife, the least he could do is cook up steak or lobster.
  • It leaves us wondering, how a story involving the husband, wife, homeless man, threesome & raw hamburger could go so wrong.

Naked ASS: Oklahoma City Man Arrested for Washing Himself with Mayonnaise In Public Fountain

  • OKLAHOMA CITY – One man was arrested for using mayonnaise to wash himself in a public fountain.
  • Perez told the police he was taking a bath in the fountain and was washing his hair with mayonnaise.
  • Police, replied with, “Sir, we don’t take kindly to Mayonnaise Hair washing.  In Oklahoma City, we are a Head & Shoulders kinda place.”

Drunk ASS: German City To Provide Beer to Alcholics to Clean Up The Streets

  • Essen, a City in German, is offering a “Pick-Up” initiative.
  • Voluntary program targeted at alcholics that will receive beer in exchange for working three to six hours a day collecting litter off streets.
  • Essen believes if the promise of free beer motivates addicts to work, regain a daily routine and accept medical care, they said, it is worthwhile.
  • This seems simliar to every high school/college student.  “Will work for beer!”

Jack ASS: 3 Men Arrested in A Wedding Gone Wrong

  • Mark Williams, (the groom), was being “touchy feely” with a pregnant woman (not his newly married wife) at his wedding reception.
  • After the groom decides to poor alchol down the woman’s throat she decides to call her boyfriend.
  • Brian Taylor, 31, punched his hand through the front passenger window of a car nearby.  As he’s being taken away to jail he yells, “I’ve got HIV.”
  • The majestical wedding ends with two men covered in blood and jail time for the groom.

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