Must Read: W07-2015

Must Read

Marie Claire

  • I’ve never, nor will I ever, read 50 shades.  But this person documents attempting 50 shades of grey sex in one weekend.
  • She details all of the sex with elegance such as The Ben Wa Experience
    • What you’re supposed to do: Bend over and grab your ankles, then have your man insert Ben Wa balls into your vagina. Walk around (or get water, like Anastasia did) with the balls inside of you. Then lie across his lap with your butt facing up. He should rub your butt, moving from your cheeks down to your clitoris. The balls inside you, along with his touch, will create an intense sensation.
    • What we do: Please just trust me when I give you this advice: Don’t try to stick them all in at once, and go slowly. Also, buy the smallest size and always have your insurance number ready. Not that I had to do that. But it was touch and go for a few minutes. It feels like you have tiny balls in your vagina, which you do, so you’re just doing one long kegel to keep them in there. If that sounds like a sexy thing to you, then get your ass some Ben Wa balls immediately.

Not Always Learning

  • Mother reacts to her daughter physically attacking a student.

Collective Evolution

  • This is a story about a Reddit poster that stated, ‘I wasn’t treating my husband properly’
  • The original Reddit post has been taken down.
  • Essentially it’s a story about a husband that buys the wrong hamburg, which creates a negative reaction from his wife.

Independent Ireland

  • Story of two Irish guys who walked into Super Bowl seats.
  • Paul McEvoy and Richard Whelan couldn’t afford tickets from touts around the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona so simply walked straight through the front door.

News:

Sore Ass:  Sex Toy Injuries Surged Since Release of 50 Shades of Grey

  • The London Fire Brigade (LFB) said today it was ‘concerned’ the film’s release could lead to a ‘spike’ in people being stuck or trapped in handcuffs or bindings.
  • Injuries relating to ‘massage devices and vibrators’ rocketed in 2012, when 2,500 people checked in at the ER.
  • Upworthy News Title:  What happens when sex toys go wrong?  A Trip to the Hospital and 50 Shades of Blush …

Drunks Ass:  Florida dumpster sleepers end up trapped in garbage truck

  • Donald Jordan, 37, and Lisa Sirbella, 49, got drunk at a casino, then yada yada passed out in dumpster and the next thing they know they are in a garbage truck sreaming for their lives.
  • I hope when the guy woke up he said, “I gotta bad feeling about this”.  I mean all they are missing is a giant Wookie & Lisa’s twin brother.

Old Ass: 100 Year old crocodile dies after overeating

  • A 100 Year-old croc dies from overeating and it’s not even Amurican
  • Visitors south-western Bangladesh town believed that feeding the crocodile would guarantee them good fortune.  Which lead the obese 100-year-old crocodile dying from overfeeding.
  • Visitors have been throwing chickens and even goats to the bloated ancient croc  In their effort for good luck it lead to the huge croc’s demise.  Either that or perhaps he died because he was over a 100 years old.

Naked ASS:  Kristie Sheldon

  • Sheldon gets the cougar of the week.
  • 52 year-old Kristie Sheldon from Montana while visiting her 29-year-old son in Minnesota decides to pickup a 22-year-old and have sex in a neighbours hot tub.
  • The neighbours proceed to calling the police and ending Sheldon’s night a little prematurely.
  • I can only imagine what the 29-year-old son says when the police escort his mother and her 22-year-old boy toy home;
    • ‘As long as you live under my roof.  You live by my rules.’ or ‘Mom, is this my new daddy?’

Dumb Ass:  Brian Williams

  • At a November 8, 2014 gala he stated; ‘Here’s a fact: 25 years ago tonight, Tom Brokaw and I were at the Berlin Wall.’
  • And by ‘fact’ he meant give or take a day or two.
  • Look Brian, we all lie.  I mean this past year I hit 10 home runs and was second on our softball team and by 10 homer’s I mean 2.  Make your lies a little less ridiculous
  • At a catholic college he shook the popes hand and was blessed by him.  Now no doubt he shook the Pope’s hand but it was likely more likely Jim Carey’s co-star in the hit comedy Once Bitten, Peggy Pope.
  •  Brian Williams, ‘Well me and this Navy Seal got our Bin Laden kill on!”  Um, that’s not true.   ‘No, but you know I had brisket with the pope!’  ‘Um, no you didn’t.’  ‘Well, I was the reason the Berlin Wall came down.’  That’s not true.  It kinda reminds me of the scene in Billy Madison.

Links:

BroMyGod – Random Facts

Radass – Brian Williams Misremembers

LOL Riot – Honest Company Slogans

Wild Ammo – 50 Strange Facts from 50 States

Panda Feed – 25 Photo’s from Walmart

Life Hack – 7 Signs You Are A Highly Sensitive Person

Oh Cosmo – Dumb Things In Women’s Magazines

Thought Catalog – People Describe the Sexiest Things They Accidentally Saw

Daily Mail – Dumb Trip Advisor Reviews

Slash Gear – $10,500 for a  Cat-6 cable, hmm sounds reasonable

IB Times – Viagra Ice Cream is a thing …

Vox – Details of a 1922 Times Article on Hitler

Joke of the Week

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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