BAD ASS ? : Jian Ghomeshi

Before all this came to the interweb, Jian is being harassed after allegedly sexually assaulting a former girlfriend.  They ex-gf says, ‘hey I’m taking this public.’  So Ghomeshi feels like this ‘may’ harm his image, goes to CBC and says, ‘listen I’m a little bit of a freak in the bedroom’ and someones gonna kinda expose me. CBC says that’s alright we support you.  Then CBC finds out how much of a freak he is and says, ‘um yeah, so your sexual livestyle we don’t really agree with it.  Maybe we should take a break …’

So something happens between Oct. 24th and Oct. 26th morning.  I don’t know maybe Jian made inappropriate sexual advances on the wrong woman,maybe Luba Goy who knows.  Anyway CBC says, “Can we agree to see other people?”

Jian, the good guy that he is, writes up a facebook post saying, “the risk of my private sex life being made public as a result of a campaign of false allegations pursued by a jilted ex girlfriend and a freelance writer.”  I think his private sex life seems to be putting a lot of other peoples lives in risk.  He makes this comment,  “(I’ve) always been interested in a variety of activities in the bedroom”.  I think we all have a variety of activities in the bedroom such as; sleeping, sex and sometimes eating potato salad while watching The Facts of Life on Youtube.  This is a different kind of variety.

Basically, Jian says ‘CBC I loved you with all my heart and my heart is broken. You know what would make this better?  Money!!!’  Oh, so that’s what happened between Oct. 24th and Oct 26!  Ghomeshi says he wants $55,000,000.  He’s kinda acting like an ex-wife of a former NBA all-star.  Really!  $55 Million, does CBC even have $55 Million?  If he wins this are my taxes going to go up because the CBC doesn’t agree with Ghomeshi’s sexual behaviour.  You know what, guilty or not, I don’t really agree with his sexual exploits.

Meanwhile, people all across Canada start googling BDSM.  Then quickly try delete their browser history on their iPad before their significant other gets home.  I mean seriously, she’s going to be home in 15 minutes and I have no idea how to delete the browser history in Safari.  I’m freaking out over here!

Then people start saying they firmly are in Ghomeshi’s corner.  We love you!  Stay strong!  You’re the best!  Then more allegations come out about what the hell BDSM actually is and we start to wonder what kind of sick fuck is this guy.  How did we ever like him?  Was he always a dickhead?  The answer probably!  If you look at this older interviews (like this one from Open Mike with Mike Bullard) he kinda came across as a dickhead.

We all love Moxy Frovous!  Wait am I alone now?

One allegation was from a former CBC co-worker who says that he used to call her saying, “I want to hate f— you.”  If you’re good at Hangman, I’m sure you can figure out the missing letters in the phrase.

I’m thinking that CBC should probably update their HR pamphlet’s on new hire orientation to clearly outline that;

  • If a co-worker calls you and says they want to ‘hate f— you’ that constitutes as sexual harassment.

I don’t know if Mr. Ghomeshi performed the above allegations but I’m sure it will be addressed in CBC’s next new hire orientation.  ‘Oh yeah, um just in case you are wondering new hires.  You can’t threaten other co-workers saying you want to hate fuck them!  If someone says they want to ‘hate f— you’ you should contact your HR representative.’

How does it even come up on the phone multiple times?  Doesn’t CBC have call display?  Does he call her up, when she says, ‘hello’ he immediately say, ‘I’m gonna hate fuck you!”  Or is kinda dropped casually into the conversation.  Like ‘ ….. yeah, yeah I agree Knowlton Nash was aweseome.  I’m gonna hate fuck you!  Did you know that when he was 23 he covered the death of  that dare devil that died trying to go down Niagra Falls?  I think his name was Red Hill jr.”  “I’m sorry did you say you were going to hate fuck me”  “Yeah, yeah I’m Gomeshi, Nomashi or however you pronounce my name.  I’m a pretty big deal here at the CBC.  I’m probably worth 55 million.”

I mean there’s a chance the word isn’t even fuck.  Thanks to CBC we gotta play Wheel of Fortune to figure that shit out.  Perhaps it’s flip.  Like, I’m gonna hate flip you.  I’m gonna hate flip you for real!

But what brings credibility to this is that he was confronted by Lucy from Trailer Park Boys.  I wonder what Ricky thinks of this?  Finally, as predicted in Exodus, Trailer Park Boys becomes the moral compass for Canadians.

In an interview DeCoutere says “Because it was a date, we started kissing, which was very normal. And then at a certain point he pressed me against the wall with my throat and then he slapped me, which was not invited,” I may not have lived a full life but I’ve never been in a relationship where slapping someone while choking them WAS invited.

The Star article also detailed two accounts from women who said Ghomeshi “introduced them to Big Ears Teddy, a stuffed bear, and he turned the bear around just before he slapped or choked them, saying that ‘Big Ears Teddy shouldn’t see this’.”  I hate to think of the things that Big Ears Teddy has seen.  He’s probably seen things that would make the Chrome Incognito guy feel a little uncomfortable.

incognitoA Reddit post then posts a @bigearsteddy tweet from April 2014. 

bigearsteddyCarleton University’s says they are “looking into the situation” after 5 months those bruises may have healed, but thanks for the quick action that makes Rogers support look awesome!

The police chief made a statement; “We have not received a complaint of any criminality for us to investigate but we have heard the media reports and we want to make sure that anyone who has experienced that and believes they are the victim of sexual assault or any assault, to come forward and report it.”  Basically saying, stop asking me questions no crime has been reported and we can’t solve crimes of stupidity.

Then more people start claiming Ghomeshi assaulted them.  Such as a former male student at York University who said he grabbed his testicles 25 years ago.  Well he wasn’t formerly male he still is currently male but nontheless he makes claims that Ghomeshi grabbed his testicles a long time ago.  In fairness to Ghomeshi many people have allegedly grabbed this fellow’s testicles including famed CBC broadcaster Knowlton Nash, that’s a little known fact for you today.

Ghomeshi, who is mourning the loss of his father during this time, also writes on Facebook again because it went over so well the last time.  That he wants to thank his fan for sticking by him.  Ghomeshi who is getting dropped by sponsor after sponsor makes a statement likely on the advice of his new lawyer (Marie Henein) saying that he will no longer make any statements through the media end of statement.  Statement, Statement, Statement.  Then he makes a statement saying that he needs the time to focus on how to properly update his Tinder status through this ordeal.  I don’t even know what Tinder is just thought it thought it sounded right.

I think that’s a pretty much my summary of what has happened with Ghomeshi.  If you don’t understand don’t beat yourself up over it.  Have a Tinderful people!

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