FINE ASS: 729 – Tuesday Edition of MustReadMonday

This is Must Read Monday on Tuesday.

BAD ASS:  McDonald’s Crack Dealer

  • According to the article it mention’s Philadelphia’s swanky Main Line has led to the arrest of a fast food employee who police say was selling crack at the restaurant.  Not sure if I would ever consider McDonald’s to be swanky, but let’s move on …
  • The police say they were tipped of whenever, he would cover for the cash he would say, “would you like crack, er I mean fries with that?”
  • This is from the news report and you can look at it in the video below.  “When not working as a crew and preparing food, he was out in the rear parking lot selling crack cocaine so in a sense it can give you a new definition of what may be considered a Happy Meal,” Radnor Police Lt. Andy Block said.
  • I’m not sure, but I don’t see too many crack addicts that look “happy”, they look like they want to kill themselves, look like they are 100 years late for their dental and dermatology appointment.
  • Now, I’m sure the officer was thinking of a nice zinger all day.  But that happy meal comment made me Grimace.  Perhaps, the Crackburglar instead of Hamburglar would put a new spin on things.  Extra Crack with that, I’m loving it!

 NEWS: Cow Drama Strikes Charity Cycling Event

  • This was the actual headline from the event.
  • The cyclists were charged by a cow on a bike path in a fundraising event.  That’s no bull!
  • The best quote; “The cow stood its ground as Ian stared it out. No cows were harmed in the process.”
  • Why is Ian staring down a cow.  How fearful must the cow have been with a guy named Ian in bicycle shorts?
  • Then as the story goes on, it says after they finished the race they went on for search of Fish & Chips.
  • Excitement in York!
  • Makes me think about Troy McClure and then makes me miss Phil Hartman

o-TROY-MCCLURE-570

SICK ASS: Cannibalism Nurse Tries to Hook Up with Mexican Girl

  • This is a messed up story so if you’re not into this please skip it.
  • Dale Bolinger, 58, was chatting with what he believed to be a 16-year-old Mexican girl named Eva in a website called  Dark Fetish Network (DFN).
  • On the site he described, beheading and eating women and sex acts he wanted to perform on her and how he would murder her and prepare her “for the table”.
  • When questioned about the images, he told detectives: “I do not find children sexually attractive but I do find them interesting as a food source.”
  • So anyways he’s a messed up individual and all of the sudden he convinces ‘Eva’ to meet him and then shows the Axe that he just bough that he is going to use to prepare her.
  • Um, I’m sorry.  Does anyone actually fall for this?  So, you want to eat me eh?  Oh and you have the Axe that you are going to kill me with?  Um, are we at least going to have sex first?
  • Oh hell yeah!  In the article he mentions to “Eva” that,  “the idea of us making love and then eating you is a VERY great turn on!”  I’m not so sure I would be so turned on by being EATEN after having sex.  Does he think he’s a praying mantis?  He knows the women actually eat the men after sex right.
  • Oh well, now that we’re going to have sex.  Of course I will buy a ticket so that I can be devoured by a 58 year old man.  This makes perfect sense.

DUMB ASS: The Vagina Smugglers

  • Perhaps it should be called Dumb Vajayjay.
  • Apparently, Vagina Smuggling is an issue, I think this would be a much more interesting Vagina Monologue.
  • Jennifer Crosby, 42, was arrested after authorities pulled over the vehicle she was because it had a window tint violation.  Then things escalated!  When asked if she had drugs she first said, No! then confessed she had crack in her vagina.  Then she stated, “Ouch, the foil is hurting the inside of my vagina.”  Silly crackhead, a vagina is no place for crack.
  • Ericka Marie Danna, 25, had a pot pipe up her sex organ which smelled like marijuana.
  • Dallas Archer, 19, was pulled over for driving with a suspended license.  When the officers found a mini-revolver up her vagina.  This hot lady had a hot gun in her as, the gun was previously stolen a year earlier in another burglary.
  • Jennifer McCarthy, the ex-wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Cormac McCarthy, was arrested after allegedly whipping a gun out of her vagina and threatening her boyfriend.
  • Christie Harris was sentenced to 25 years in prison for a variety of charges including trying to bring meth up her ass and a loaded gun in her female body organ into jail.  I guess that’s what you call a smoking gun!
  •  Christina Lafave, 25, allegedly stole a $35,000 Rolex watch.  Lafave hide the watch up her vagina after a $300 ‘private massage’ which should have been the first clue that she wasn’t on the up and up.  If convicted she could face up to 20 years in jail, which is a lot of time for stealing a watch.  Now think about that, if she carried a gun into jail while having meth in her ass she would have received only 5 more years.  I get that putting an expensive watch up her juice box is bad but is she that much harm to society other than devaluing a Rolex.
  • It makes you wonder about the prison system.  From there I’ll let John Oliver rant about prison’s which includes a delightful number from puppets.

NEWS: Toothless Man Bite’s Roomate

  • A toothless man gave his roommate’s arm a serious gumming after she refused to clean his ear.
  • 52-year-old Kenneth Chambers got upset with his female roommate at the Rancho Villa mobile-home park in Lakewood on Sunday over after her refusal to clean his ear and broke the door to her room off its hinges
  • The story would have been a lot better if his name was Gummy Joe and the trailer park was named Rancho Relaxo.

DUMB ASS:  Man uses stolen company Check to Pay for Hooker

  • Charlie West accused of stealing a company check to pay a prostitute. 
  • Charles West took a woman into the back room of his job for a private moment
  • I’m hoping Mr. West used the George Costanza, “Is that wrong defense”

DUMB ASS:  Man Tries to Kill Spider with Spray Paint & Lighter Fluid

  • The good news, the report says, ‘I’m pretty sure the spider did not survive.’
  • The bad news, the quote came from Kyle Moore from the Fire Department.  As the fire caused roughly $60,000 in damage.
  • The ugly, Kyle Moore felt it was warranted to provide this quote, “I don’t want to encourage people to do this, but that’s what he did.  The spider tried to get into the wall. He sprayed flames on the wall, lit the wall on fire, and that extended up to the ceiling.”  We live in a society that we have to teach people not to light fire to wall to attempt to kill spiders.

 

 

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