FINE ASS: 7/21 – MustReadMonday

DUMB ASS:  Wu-Tang Clan Affiliate Cuts Off Wu-Tang Wang more; here, here, & here.

  • Alleged Wu-Tang Clang Affiliate,Andre Johnson aka Christ Bearer, Cuts Off Penis (Bobbit’s himself), Jumps off Balcony, Calls Himself a God.
  • Andre Johnson cut off his penis “without warning”, and had jumped within a “matter of seconds”.   I’m not sure how much warning you would give yourself prior to cutting off your own penis and hypothetically saying, if I did I probably would jump off a building within a matter of seconds.
  • In an interview with E! Online Christ Bearer said, “It still gets hard, the little bit that I got. I still got some penis that works.”
  • Also in the interview he refers to himself as a god.  “I cut it off because that was the root of all my problems. My solution to the problem was the realization that sex is for mortals, and I am a god…Those kinds of activities got me into trouble, and I came here to be a god.”  I didn’t read that part in the bible, if you are a god cut off your penis!  Must have missed that part of bible school
  • It was stated that Christ Bearer used a serrated steak knife to cut off his penis before jumping, he cut off the tip of his penis first, then removed his testicles and the remainder of his genitalia.  I’m guessing Christ Bearer didn’t fully understand the phrase, ‘just the tip’.
  • Then on the below rant he states he will do some porn.

News: Man Arrested for Assault & Battery

  • Eric Bertrand (no mug shot) is charged with 7 counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon
  • The dangerous weapon – cayenne pepper.  I am pretty sure the charge should have been assault and battery with a not so harmful capsicum.

Bad ASS: Taco Bell Employee Shoots Customer with BB Gun

  • From assault with a dangerous pepper.  To assault at a Taco Bell.  This time with a gun of the BB variety.
  • Steven Noska, 26, of Springfield, shot an unhappy customer with a BB gun and then pistol-whipped him after he became impatient with the drive-up window service.  Sounds like Clancy Wiggums is gonna be busy.
  • From the article, Noska had bite marks on one arm from the alleged victim during a fight over “no tacos or burritos.”  I’m sorry, what were they saying and what’s the name of the fast food joint.  Oh year, Taco Bell right.
  • A different article mentioned they were unsure if Noska had a lawyer.  I’m not sure he has Robert Shapiro on retainer.  He’s a 26 year old man working at Taco Bell he hasn’t even worked his way up to Chipotle yet.

Bare ASS: Sex on top of a Chipotle

  • This is like the trifecta of Mexican food and eateries.
  • How Bad ASS is Suh? Having Sex ontop of a Chipotle bad ASS!
  • There are a lot of jokes, ‘the six inch burrito’, ‘the whole enchilada’, ‘extra spicy’ with ‘extra sauce’.
  • How do you proposition someone to have sex on top of Chipotle?  Hey baby wanna have sex on top of a Chipotle?  Sure do!
  • After the officer commanded Suh and Germack to stop, they continued for another “15 to 20 seconds,”
  • But these guys don’t appear to be crack heads.  The male Suh owns the Sushi restaurant beside Chipotle.
  • Maybe Chipotle are bad neighbours and Suh said he was going to fuck them up.  But instead he fucked up on them.

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Bare ASS: Naked Man At Iowa City Park

  • Two witnesses reported seeing Gerald C. Meyer, of Ellis Avenue, lying naked and masturbating on a picnic table at 8:16 p.m on Sunday.
  • When the witnesses confronted him, Meyer said he was “playing with himself.”
  • I think a better response than ‘playing with myself’ would have been a mosquito bit my penis and it’s itchy.
  • You gotta wonder what prompted Mr. Meyer ‘play with himself’ at 8 PM on a Sunday.  Perhaps he was just lying on the picnic table, just saw a rainbow it was just a great end to the weekend and what could make it go better, here’s an idea how about I fondle myself.

IOWA-Meyer

Blog:  Read Orange is the New Black

  • New York Times Article detailing women prison life

 News: School Board Apologizes To Fired Gay Teacher

  • The apology was a little late.  Jim Gaylord (I’m sure that must have been a tough name to have especially given the circumstances) was fired in 1972 after a vice principal found out Gaylord was gay.
  • He attempted unsuccessfully attempted to sue the School Board.  But I’m sure he must feel better about the apology.
  • Gaylord, helped get legislation passed in the state to make it illegal to discriminate against homosexuals.

Jack ASS: Dad allegedly Abandons Son While Going Drinking

  • In a story that sounds like it came out of Family Guy.
  • His 5-year-old son woke up at his father’s home during the night; after realizing his father was not there, the child went outside in his underwear to search for him.  Luckily the police found him and returned him to his mother.
  • Hopefully that beer was worth it because you’re likely not gonna see your son anytime soon.

NAKED ASS: Nude Homeowner Scares off Burglar

  • The homeowner awoke from his naked slumber, grabbed his gun.  When the burgalar saw him he jumped out the window.
  • Quote of the Week:  “I have a tattoo of the grim reaper, my hair is sticking up all crazy and I’m naked,” said the homeowner, who asked that his name be withheld for safety reasons. “I’m not sure if (the burglar) was more afraid of me or the gun.”
  • Unfortunately or fortunately there was no picture of the naked man with the grim reaper tattoo.

WEIRD ASS:  44 Year-old Man Goes to Hospital Finds Out He/She Is A Woman

  • Man goes to hospital with blood in urine, stomach pains and a strange urge to yell at other men.
  • Find out he’s got adrenogenital syndrome, a disorder that affects the normal development of genitals and other gender characteristics, and a deformed penis.
  • To put further confusion in the she-man case he got lost in the hospital refused to ask for directions, grabbed his deformed penis stated he had no problem performing sexually then made cat calls at the nurses.

ENTERTAINMENT: Random Facts About Saturday Night Live

  • Such as;  cast member Darrell Hammond has said the classic opening line “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” the most times. Hammond said the immortal line a record 69 times.

RANDOM: Funny Book Titles

  • Such awesome titles as;

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BARE ASS:  Woman Drops Pants At Burger Joint

  • Enraged woman walks into a local burger joint called “Broadway Dick’s Drive-in,” assaulted the employees there, and then dropped her pants.
  • According to the report, she became belligerent when told by the manager to leave, started hurling condiments and a charity box at the staff behind the counter.  Then according to police performed a “lewd act in front of Dick’s”
  • She was lucky that when she pulled down her pants to show her charity box that Broadway Dick didn’t give her the special sauce.

Other Good Links

NICE ASS:  Dad Claims Kingdom Makes Daughter Princess

NEWS: Brothers Arrested for Smoking Heroin in Chuck-E-Cheese Bathrroom

SPORTS:  Celebrating 20 Years of Sports Center

INTERESTING:  20 Practical Usues for Coke

SPORTS: Return of the Expos?

INTERESTING:  DIY Backyard Games

 FAT ASS:  What’s In McDonald’s French Fries

 

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